What I Want!

Image by Casino Nelson

I made the choice awhile ago that I was only going to sleep with people I like.

Sounds straight forward really but for me it was something I hadn’t done in the past. I had slept with people to validate my sense of worth, to make myself feel wanted, needed and attractive. Heck I had dated people to feel that. I am good at Sex, good at attracting people, good at making like me. 

I am not good at saying no to people, at articulating my own needs both in bed and out of it within relationships, at work, and in everyday life. I am especially bad at in sexual relationships. Within romantic relationships I am even worse at it.

I am getting better at expressing my wants and needs in bed. Part of that is having partners that want me to express my desires and not only that but communicate their needs effectively to me making it easier for me to have a model to work off. When easy communication is something that you have never done learning to do it is hard work.

When partners have communicated the results have not always been pleasant. I only learned how to orgasm recently and my "failure" frustrated many a past ex lover. Many taking it as a personal failure on their part that they couldn't bring me to orgasm. Despite the fact I couldn't even do it myself.

Once a frustrated ex who after trying everything he knew and failing to bring me to orgasm leapt off the bed exclaimed "well you must be broken because this has worked on every other girl I've fucked" before he walked off to have a shower. Leaving me on the bed, shell shocked and embarrassed. 

This memory recently came back after sex and I ended up crying realizing that I am not broken, I thought I had gotten over being told that, I thought I had torn that particular myth to pieces and buried the effects. But after an intense night with Anna and Arthur I remembered and it triggered a reaction in me. 

I am afraid of telling partners I wanted to be spanked, have my hair pulled, be held down and that I want to engage in breath play. I do not have an easy relationship with fact I enjoy those things. I enjoy them a lot, I do not think I would enjoy sex nearly as much without them and I can discuss them in the abstract with ease but when it gets personal I feel very vulnerable.

My newest partner in fun Don has so far found out about the Hair pulling and spanking naturally because I have not had a sit down discussion about the fact these things turn me on... Which is something I want to do but I have no idea how to start that conversation. 

Why is it I am more comfortable having sex with someone that discussing what turns me on with them? That is stupid! I should be able to say "I enjoy being spanked, having my hair pulled, being held down, you being in control turns me on" and it not be a big thing

I think I am still stuck in the mentality that it makes me a freak to enjoy being held down... I don't judge anyone else for these things, why am I still judging myself?

Delilah

p.s This blog is rather train of thought like and not as coherent as I would like. I may come back and edit/delete it at some point but I wanted to get this out of my head.